Dublin 1900.
Fr Bonaventure say in his spacious confession box on a sumptuous red cushion. It was a winter evening. He was weary after hearing countless dreary confessions. Mothers who felt they had been too hard on their children, God bothering youths who had not prayed enough and the occasional petty thief wracked by guilt. At 24 years of age he should have better things to do – he reflected.
It was coming to the end of time to hear confessions. There was a pause since the last housewife unburdening herself of her uncharitable thoughts towards her dolt of a husband.
Then the penitent’s door opened. Plenty of light was let into the booth. Fr Bonaventure saw a beautiful young female face illuminated there. This exquisite physigionomy was surrounded by a wimple.
Bonaventure thought to himself, ”Such a waste for a pretty girl to be a nun.” Her skin was just a shade darker than the spotless white wimple. The black habit surrounded it. He has seen this young woman a few times before.
He was supposed to sit perpendicular to her so as not to look at her face full on. Yet he could not resist turning himself a little to see her face at a fuller angle. The door shut and there was very little light let into the confessional.
The nun knelt down gracefully. Her high pitched voice breathed timidly, ”Bless me father for I have sinned.”
”Tell me my child” he said indulgently.
”Father Bonaventure – as you know I am a nun. I have taken a vow of chastity. I have consecrated myself to a life of contemplation and prayer. And yet, and yet – I find myself constantly plagued by carnal desires.”
”My child, may I call you by your name.”
”Father – I would rather you did not. I am so ashamed of my iniquity. I do not want anyone even you to know who is saying this”
”I have seen you before. You have confessed to me a few times over the past few months. You are Sister Assumpta.”
”Father, how did you know that?”
”I have seen you around here. You are the best looking nun in the city.”
”Father, please…” he could tell she was blushing despite the darkness.
”First of all – Sister Assumpta. Do not beat yourself up. Everyone has these instincts. They are only natural. You may never rid yourself of these wishes. I myself battle with them every day.”
”That is good to know.”
”Tell me sister Assumpta- how old are you?”
”I am 20 Father.”
”20 years of age. Not much younger than me. A young woman should feel these things. I know the religious life is very hard.”
”Thank you father. I became a nun at 17. It was not my choice.”
”Oh really. Yes, I am the 10th child and my mother said she should give a tithe to the church. So I was forced to join the convent against my wishes. We were very poor especially because my father died a few years back. In some ways it seemed like a life sentences to be a nun. But then I remember how my mother struggled – bringing up 12 children. She was so jaded and she died a few months ago. She had very few pleasures in life. My eldest sister – she is 33 and she has 8 children already and another one on the way. Childbirth after childbirth – it wears a woman out. Some of my friends have got married to what seemed like nice boys. You kn0w – street angel house devil. Pretty soon they were getting drunk and my friends would be walking around with black eyes. Better off in a convent than married to an alcoholic tyrant like that and permanently pregnant.”
”Well sister. There is no perfect life. You have to count your blessings. You have to make a choice. You can have the easy life of the convent or you can have the joys and the hardships of marriage. You can always leave the convent you know.”
”But it would be a disgrace.”
”Who cares what people think. Far better to renounce being a nun than to live in misery.”
”But what would I do? I had to leave school at the age of 12. I so wanted to learn but we were in poverty. My mum put me in service. I was a scullery maid to a rich family. I was up at 5 o clock in the morning cleaning fire places. At least as a nun I do not have to work my fingers to the bone. I help at a school and that is more fun.”
”Well there you have it. As a nun you have a roof over your head – you are decently fed. No one hits you.”
”But I would so like to have children but only a few. As many as I can care for. Three children – not ten or more.”
”Wanting to have children is no sin.”
”Yes, but how about the making babies. Is it a sin to want that?”
”That is a good question. So long as you imagine it in the purest sense.”
”But there is another thing father. I – I am no child. Before I entered the convent I had a boyfriend – a young English soldier. We were stepping out for a few weeks. We only held hands. We hugged. We kissed but not on the lips. Then he pressurised me so we kissed – on the lips and with tongues.”
”Sister that is not wicked.”
”Father it gets worse. I got so excited and so did he. His thing got big and hard. He made me stroke it through his trousers.”
”I am afraid that is a sin.”
”And I, I began to feel – aroused. I felt a strange dampness in my undergarments. We did this many times – this frottage. WE would go for summer walks deep in the woods. He asked me to take my clothes off with him. I said no. Many times I said know because I knew it was a sin. But he begged and begged. I loved him. He told me he loved me. He said he wanted that ultimate proof of love. I could not resist it anymore. I said yes. And, and we did it. You know – we made love. It was sore but it felt so good. But then I was overcome with guilt and self disgust.”
”Did you do it again?”
”We did – just a few times. But then I got so scared that I might be pregnant. Then he told me he was being posted back to England. I asked him to marry me. And he refused. And then he left. One of his friends told me he started going out with another girl.” She wept acridly.
”There, there – don’t cry my child. He was not worthy of you.”
”I was not pregnant thank the Lord. But a few months later mum forced me to join the nuns. I consecrated my virginity to Jesus except I am not a virgin and I feel I am such a hypocrite. I am a slut because I did it when I was not married. I have never confessed this before. ”
”Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have done it. You were tricked by that evil Englishman.”
”Thank you father. ” She took out a handkerchief and dried her hot eyes.
”Assumpta – why did you come to me?”
”Well everyone says you are the nicest priest in the area. Other priests delight in giving people fire and brimstone. They tell us we are disgusting for doing the tiniest thing. They are so self righteous and pompous. You listen – you comfort us . You are approachable.”
”We priests are human too. I am a sinner also.”
”Father may I know your real name?”
”All right then but never call me this outside the confessional. My real name is Michael.”
”May I call you Michael?”
”Please do. And I know Assumpta is your name in religion.”
”Yes, I hate it. I wanted to choose Magdalena but another girl in the convent had that one and she said you cannot pick it. Then the mother superior gave me this name Assumpta. I am stuck with it for life. She is a horrible old witch. Oh I shouldn’t say that.”
”Never mind. You are right. She is an ogress. I have to listen to her confessions. Have to bite on a lemon to stop myself laughing. All about how she has sinned by not finishing her peas.”
”Michael – my real name is Aoife”
”Aoife – very well.” He extended his hand through the aperture and she shook it awkwardly.
”That is the first time I have touched a man in three years. I mean literally touched.”
”Well I do not much more than that. I shake hands with a few female parishoners. Some of the old women insist on hugging me.”
”But Father, I mean, Michael. Have you, have ever, ever strayed from your vows of celibacy?”
”Aoife – you have been brave enough to tell me the truth even – even when it was very painful. Yes, yes I have. When I was a seminarian I spent a year at the Irish College in Paris. And there – well, I could not contain myself. I craved love. Not – let me be honest. I craved sex. I was overpowered by lust. I was crazy for it. I could not help myself. I went to Montmartre – that is the red light district. I went to a bordello there and there – there I lost my virginity with a Gypsy prostitute not much older than myself. It was amazing and intoxicating. I went back the next week to that same woman and the next. I could not afford it on my stipend. I have to admit it. I stole to pay for my visits to that whore. I felt – I felt she cared for me. I was not just unbridled lust – not on my part. I desperately wanted to believe that she felt for me. I went there many times. I always asked for her – Csilla. Csilla was not always available so I did it with a few others. But I knew it was wrong. I managed to go less frequently. But I only stopped when I returned to Ireland after a few months. I got the clap but managed to get cured. What you did was noble. What I did was truly shameful. And of course Csilla felt nothing for me. But she was a smart enough whore to tell me she liked me.”
”My God. I always had priests up on a pedestal. I was brought up to so respect you. I believe you were more than human – so clever, so morally pure.”
”Well you can forget about that. There are some saintly ones. Most are decent. There are some evil ones too.”
”Michael – but there is something else. I think about men. I fantasise about that boyfriend I had. Even though he treated me like dirt in the end. But it was good when we, when we – did it. I remember what it looked like and how it felt. I want to touch myself. But I never do. There is a rule that we have to sleep in the dormitory with our hands above the duvet. One nun was caught you know – playing with herself and she was beaten in front of all of us.”
”Aoife – if you do that do not feel bad about it. It is no sin. It does not harm anyone. God would not have given you these urges if they were evil. It is natural theology.”
”’But Michael. There is worse. I never see boys – or good looking young men – only some horrid, drooling fat old smelly priests. Then I felt, I felt a strange longing for this other nun. Sister Cecelia – her real name is Emily. We are not supposed to reveal our real names. But she and I are so close. She is 18. And I looked at her and she looked at me in a certain way. And it was the way my boyfriend and I had looked at each other. I could not stop myself from feeling something gooey for her. And I knew she felt the same. And – we hugged and I kissed her. Full on the lips. My tongue felt hers. it was much gentler than with a boy.”
”Oh my goodness.”
She wept silently. ”Michael. For the first time in three years I felt love. Emily and I. There was something between us. I reached my hands out and fondled her breasts. It seemed so daft – a girl touching a girl? I really want a man but there are none. It was hard not to become attached to her. Emily and I – sometimes we find and excuse to be alone – just to hold each other – just to kiss oon the mouth and – and touch each other a little and it feels, so, so magic. But I am worried. Is is a repugnant sin? Part of me hates myself for doing this.”
”Aoife – what you have been doing is called lesbianism.”
”Lesbianism? I have never heard the word.”
”Very few have. Believe me it is not bad. There is nothing in the Bible against it. You don’t meet boys so of course you form a deep bond to a girl you like and that becomes something romantic.”
”But I am frightened that I am going crazy. Kissing a girl – what on earth am I doing? It seems so unnatural.”
”Please – Aoife. Don’t feel bad. This is more common than you think. I hear it in confession every week. You are not really abnormal. It is situational. The fact you did this just shows you are alive. You did not do anything wrong. If this was a sin then Jesus would have said so. So please – you can enjoy your friendship and your romance with Emily.”
”Thank you Father Bonaventure. Thanks I feel so much better for hearing that. Sorry, Michael I should call you.”
”No problem at all.”
”But Michael. I want to know am I, am I still normal? I mean do men still find me attractive despite me being a nun?”
”Yes of course we do.”
”You can hardly even see me in here. ”
”All right then ” he said. He took a box of matches out and lit a couple of candles on the ledges of the confessional.
”Ah I can see you and you can see me.” she beamed. ”And Michael – you know, you are very good looking. That black priest’s outfit really suits you. You have plenty of dense brown hair – you are clean shaven, you and tall and not fat. You are – just what I want.”
”Thanks so much Aoife. How about you come on take off that wimple.”
She slowly removed her wimple to reveal her cropped mid brown hair.
”But your hair – it, its shorter than mine!”
”Yes” she sobbed, ” the mother superior said I was vain – said she could tell I wanted to flirt with men so – so she cut it all off. ” She looked down at her chest.
Michael folded back the partition. He gave her a gentle and innocent hug.
”Don’t cry – don’t cry Aoife. It will grow back and you will be more ravishing than ever.”
”I cannot be ravishing in these ugly nun’s clothes. I have to hide my body like a woman’s body is something disgusting. I so want to be a girl again and have fun but I don’t want to be married to some drunken lout who will beat me up and make me have a dozen kids.”
”Not all men are bad. There are plenty of happily married women.”
She looked up at him. She stopped crying and placed her arms around his shoulders. Her hands squeezed his hard body.
She then looked him in the eye. There was an unspoken understanding. She moved her face towards his. He tilted his head slightly as their mouths met in a slow but passionate kiss. Their tongues caressed each other lambently. After a full minute they broke off. She found herself breathing heavily.
”Oh my God what have I done? I am a scarlet woman. I led you into temptation.”
”No don’t blame yourself. I am a man. I lead. I am a priest. It is my fault. But who cares.”
”But your sacerdotal vows.”
”Vow of celibacy? No one is perfect. Even some popes were married.”
”Don’t you want to serve God?”
”You can serve God and love a woman. The Protestants have it right – their clergy are married. Sometimes I think of converting for that reason.”
”So this is all right then?”
”Of course it is all right” he went back for a second kiss even more passionate than the first. By the end they were both breathing heavily.
Her eyes blazed with lust. She stood up and undid her heavy black habit and let it fall to the floor revealing her slender body. He took off his dog collar and unbuttoned his black shirt with trembling fingers.
She stepped out of her habit and was wearing a plain white knicker and no bra. He fell on her pert medium sized breasts and devoured them. She pawed him feverishly. She threw her head back and shut her eyes tight.
He took off his shoes in a hurry but did not bother with his socks. He was overcome by his most primitive need. He pulled down his trousers and stepped out of them. His erection was raging. He had difficulty pulling his boxer shorts off.
Aoife nodded and pulled down her knickers. She say back on a seat and splayed her legs.
The priest moved towards her. He knelt down – it was an uncomfortable position but lust got the better off awkwardness. She susurrated ”we shouldn’t”
His ecclesiastical penis entered her hairy pussy. She gasped in sinful delight. She closed her eyes once more and lolled her head back. Then she rolled it forward. She heard his heavy breathing. She began to squeak. He placed his hand over her mouth. She nodded as if to acknowledge that she must not make a sound. Then he removed his hand and they kissed tenderly as he thrust in and out
She gripped his back and dug her short nails into his shoulder blades. He rammed into her. He was perspiring. Her dribbling pussy was tensing.
Soon he could stand it no more. He stifled a groan as he came inside the nun’s love hole. To stop himself roaring he placed his mouth on hers/ He let his bellow go into her mouth.
The loosened a little and lay holding each other. They stared at each other by candelight.
”What have we done?” she asked.
”The most natural thing in the world.”
She nodded.
”Oh my God what if I am pregnant.”
”Don’t worry. I would look after you.”
”How?” she was already terrified.
”Aoife – I can say something for certain. You are not suitable for being a nun. But there is another thing. I am afraid I am falling madly in love.”
”Me too.”
”And this time it is not with a whore but with a nun.”
”And this time it is not with a two timing soldier but with a priest.”
”There is a way. I have a lot of rich old widows come here to confess to me. I know how to butter them up. They tell me if only I was not a priest I would be the ideal son in law. But they hire maids. You can leave the convent and get a job with one of them.”
”So we can still see each other?”
”There are lots of ways we can carry on a relationship.”
”But if we carry on like this eventually I am – I am going to have a baby. ”
”There are ways to prevent it. I have read medical books. There are sponges and unctions and so on. They do not always work. There are ways a woman can have only 3 children in a long marriage and not 12. But anyway if you do – when you do. I can care for you. I get a lot of donations from these wealthy old women. I could give it to you. When you become pregnant I just move you to a different widow in a different part of the city and you tell them your husband has just died.”
”So we really can have a loving relationship with each other forever.”
”We can, we shall and we must.”
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Bonaventure gave her some money on the spot. That night she did not return to the convent but went and bought some lay clothes. She rented a room in a boarding house. The very next day Bonaventure secured her a job as a maid.
They were able to meet a few times a week. Over the years three healthy children were born. They sinned happily ever after.